Trying to feel normal in and abnormal circumstance
The best part of my day, in this new life I am living, is when I get to shower. As a mom of three young boys, getting a warm shower has alway been an unfrequent luxury (especially if a hair wash was included), but now that I am hospital and bed bound, showers have taken on a whole new form of luxury I hadn’t ever imagined.
It might sound bad that I’m picking a shower over talking to my kids as the best part of my day, but I’m just trying to be honest. I Skype with my kids for almost and hour everyday and it is definitely my second favorite part of the day, but it still isn’t as good as a shower. When I Skype with my kids, I get to see them smile and hear them laugh and watch them be silly, which I love, but I also see their little bellies that I can not zurbert, their little checks that I can not kiss, and sometimes I even see them get hurt or hurt each other and I can not comfort them. As much as I love seeing them and look forward to it each day, it is still a reminder that I am stuck here in a hospital bed and they are at home, going to bed each night without cuddles and kisses from mommy. When our Skype visit is all done, I feel both happy and sad and just miss my boys that much more.
Showers, on the other hand, those are a whole other experience. Taking a shower is the one solid block of time each day that I am actually able to get out of bed and be out of bed for any length of time. While I am in the shower, I can temporarily forget that I am bed bound in a hospital. I let the water wash over me, relaxing my neck and back muscles that are cramping from lying all day in a few limited positions. I get to wash my hair, something that I don’t get to do often enough at home, and temporarily, I am able to wash away the stench of hospital on me. My belly feels lighter when the water sprays on it even though it is not actually being support by any buoyancy. My body is free of all the machines I am hooked up to throughout the day to monitor the baby and me. I feel as close to human as I can. When the shower is over, I don’t Immediately crash back to reality, I milk the time I am out of bed. I pretend as though I am prepping and primping for a normal day. I lather up in cream and go through my skin care regiment. I put on fresh, normal clothes, and even blow dry my hair (another rarity at home). By the time I’m done and do have to finally crawl back into bed and get rehooked up to machines, I look so refreshed and clean, nurse might actually confuse me for a visitor instead of a patient. If it weren’t for my concern over my baby’s health, I might even consider taking advantage of that one day and sneaking out for some fresh air and non-hospital food.