Running from the mind
Busy, busy, busy, I have to keep my mind busy. That’s not hard with four kids and a poor night’s sleep. All day long I go, go, go, because if I stop, for even a moment, I know I might not be able to start back up again. I’ve played this game before and I know I can’t win, but before there were a lot more moments of quiet that I was forced to face, time to try to process and heal a little. Right now there is no healing though, just moving. We are stuck in limbo for a little bit. It is best to just not think when in limbo or I am likely to overthink and that is never good. I can’t move forever though and those moments happen, when things slow down, the world blurs away, and the only thing in focus is the face of my baby. He smiles at me and my eyes well up. His laughs are met by wet salty drops that escape my eyes. These moments come without warning; out of no where. All I can do is suck back the tears and breath through them. The worst is the night. I try to go until I can’t go anymore and then I collapse into bed. If I’m lucky sleep comes quickly, but it never stays. I awake into darkness, tears streaming from my eyes. No dream has brought this on, just life, reality that hits me when I’m not busy protecting myself from it. I awake in the morning exhausted after hours of battling with my thoughts, attempting to dull and subdue them with mind-numbing activities in the middle of the night. It doesn’t matter though because I must get up and continue to move or the thoughts will catch me again. I have to keep going for another week or two, until we can exit limbo and enter recovery. I just pray it isn’t a long one.